The Time In Between

When I was finally finished with chemo, I had graduated from high school and I was a freshman in college.  Doing everything in my power to appear normal on the outside, while struggling with the turn of events that had taken place place over the last couple of years.  I had lots of fun during this time in school.  Had I known my fate, I would've pushed the limits even more than I did.  In retrospect, it was a good thing that I hadn't, because the consequences would not have been good.  In my down time, I didn't talk to anyone.  I really don't know how much my best friend knew at the time.  I just knew that my health as far as I was concerned was G-14 classified.  I felt like talking isn't gonna change the situation so why go through it. Plus, the one person I wanted to talk to wasn't emotionally available. She shut down too.  So, here I was left to walk this road all alone.  Which led to me doing the only thing I knew to do at the time to feel better, drinking.  I drank A LOT!  What can I say, it made me feel immediately better.  There was nothing to think about when I was drunk. No kidney issuses, no need to search out someone to let my pain out to, nothing.  Being under the influence was as good as it got at the time.  The were times I drank til my sides kidneys hurt, and I kept dranking til they stopped.  I remember on my 19th or 20th birthday being so drunk that all I could do was (barely) walk into the club, go straight to the restroom to throw up, and spend the rest of the night passed out on a table.  Luckily I had good friends that took care of me.  This was just one incedent, and not the one that made mw feel like I was doing too much.  Here I was self-destructing.  Not even old enough to buy liquor, and I was a certifiable alcoholic.