A Change In Self

I chose the center closest to the hospital.  That's where my doctors were, and most importantly that's where the hospital was.  If anything happened I was an elevator ride from the emergency room.  That was the only comfort I felt in the beginning.  Sitting in the waiting room was very nerve racking.  I could here my heart beating in my ears, I was shaking, and I wanted to throw up.  Hearing my name, walking through the room I had my head down, but I could feel every one's eyes on me.  I'm guessing its like being the new guy on a prison yard.  I knew what they were thinking, "How old is he?", and "why is he here?" 
I didn't talk to anyone in that place for at least a month and a half to two months.  I walked in with my headphones on.  Walked out with them on.  One word answers to doctors and nurses.  I wasn't interested in making friends.  I didn't want to tell my story nor did I want to know their story's.  Not interested, didn't care, I got my own sob story.  I was having problems.  I was confused.  I had questions.  Not easy questions.  Not questions that I can go to mom or granny to get understanding.  My questions were for GOD.  I know you're not suppose to ask "why".  But, I wanted to know why.  "Why is this happening to me?"  "What did I do to deserve this?" 
When I didn't get better, or get the any anwsers (sadly  but truthfully), I turned my back on GOD.  I had nothing to say to HIM.  Is this how faith is rewarded?  With pain?  With suffering?  My heart was black.  People would say to me, "GOD would not put on you more than you can handle."  Really?  That's what you have to say to me?  I was 16 facing kidney failure.  I was 17 doing chemotherapy.  Now, I'm 20 with total failure, and looking at a lifetime of dialysis.  I'm tired, and my body is tired.  I haven't breathed easy in a long long time.